Sunday, July 12, 2009

An exact life

“Have you had your dinner or shall I fix a plate for you?” she asked from the kitchen when he got home, opening the door with his own keys, and was on his way to his room.

“Mom, I had my dinner. And how many times do I need to tell you that you don’t have to wait for me. I get late these days and hope you will understand. These are my last few days at college. And I have to go out with friends... You know how these last few days be, right?” he replied, kissed her forehead and walked to his room without waiting for a reply to his question.

“This is not a hotel that you walk in and out anytime you wish to. And I am not your attendant but your mother! You have to give a decent attention to my existence in this house. You can’t ignore me like this,” She wanted to shout aloud but she restrained and just said “Right.”

It was thirty minutes past midnight. Her husband was not home, her daughter had called up to inform that she will not be coming tonight and her son, though returned, was not bothered to spend a minute with her. She put a plate of food for herself in the oven. She didn’t remember when was the last time she had her food with any of her family members.

For her, it had been twenty years of marriage with Shailendra Vajpai, a highly reputed businessman, who was always short of time in life. At times she used to wonder – Did he take off to produce our children for the very purpose of having children or he do under a plan to make me busy enough with them so that I don’t need him much of his time? And her children, Nilesh and Neha, too had somehow inherited from their dad the quality of being busy. She was not sure if it was the quality of being busy or the attitude of not bothering her presence around.

Sometimes it’s not about being lonely; rather it’s more a matter of being neglected, intentionally or unintentionally. “May be they are not wrong. May be it’s about their age, it’s about the way they are growing up.” She used to tell herself when her daughter would keep herself locked inside her room or would not talk to her for days except the routine discussions but be busy talking to her friends over the phone for hours. Or when her son would not be home for days and whenever be, would engage himself in some kind of sport on television or computer. About her husband? She had lost all hopes of having his attention, long time back.

“But for long someone can keep cooking food which is not being eaten? Or make calls which are not being answered? For how long?” One day she questioned this to herself, and introspected. “Do I really deserve this?”

She had forgotten when was the last time she woke up happy about being alive. She had forgotten if she had a hobby. She didn’t know if she enjoyed watching television or cooking or dancing or singing. She didn’t know what kind of person she was and what kind of person she had become. In the crowd that she wanted to live in, she had lost her own self. So she decided one evening over the cup of lonely tea that she had to move on. She packed her a small bag of most essential things that she thought she would need. And sat on the desk to write a note –

My dear family,

Yes. You all are very dear to me. I have spent my twenty years to develop a life around you all. And I must say it is not wasted. I say it is not wasted because I find I have a few learning from it. The most important one is – never to waste any moment of your life on waiting for others.

I am sorry, if it sounds as if I am regretting my moments of wait for you all. I don’t mean it that way. I don’t know if you all are nice people for the simple reason that I don’t know you all enough to make an opinion on your type, but I am sure you people have been good teachers to me; my teachers for the subject called life. In fact, when I look back those were some beautiful moments. I grew up in those moments; I became more patient with you and with my own self. I would, probably, have never appreciated the beauty of the vase on the dinner table as well as I do now, if I had not to wait there for you all. It was wasteful from the food’s point of view to cook your food which was not to be eaten but it was a lesson as I bettered my cooking skills, by every meal I cooked. I am sure that almost all the shopping I did for you, none was worth your consideration, but I learnt a lot about the kinds of clothing materials, different brands and the sense of fashion.

However I think I have learnt enough; enough for this life, from what all the domesticity of this house could teach me. And I thank you all for the same.

Now, I need to move out. I don’t know to where and for what. But I guess I will figure out on the way.

And on the same way, I will miss you; if I choose to live. Though they will be called good habits but I will not enjoy cooking the exact amount of food that I would require. I will miss throwing food down into the dustbin. I will miss going back to shopping center and exchanging the dress I bought for you all for curtains, bed sheets and towels.

Life would definitely not be the same but that is what I want it to be – Not same at all. Not for the reason that I don’t like what it was but simply for the reason that I want it to be what it is. When I was here, I was alone but it didn’t appear to me that way and I would spend my days to prove what it appeared. Now I want to spend my life for what it actually is; with no pretense, no regret and no remorse. ‘Lonely’ in the sense that it is; exactly and completely.

With love,
Ashmita


Before leaving the place she called home before this very moment, she folded the paper carefully; ensuring that her signature was visible, though she wasn’t sure if that meant anything to anybody. After all, when she didn’t mean much in person, what value would she hold in her name? By the way, her anonymity in her own stories was so profound that, while narrating her, I forgot to tell you all her name. She was named Ashmita. It’s a different story that not many people knew it.

4 comments:

Dexter said...

quick yet expressive..love this 1..

swet said...

what? n also Wow!!

Tulika said...

This one is deep... I like the thought that goes behind it. And you know what, there was learning in it - I think I'll be more careful in my behavior with my Mom.

Nice work buddy!!

Sourav Kundu said...

Boy... you make me look as if I've not been considerate enough with my mom... thanks for the eye opener....

As usual, this one was also awesome...